Talent show results were posted today. And if you aren't smart and can't put two and two together:
P.S. The girl is me.
And the thing is, I can't really cry about it. At school I'm pretty much a well known nerd, so I like to prove peoples opinions wrong by being tough. And for people who know me better, they know I really am tough.
I was just... really hoping with this, you know? I sort of knew I wasn't going to get in last year-- my act really wasn't that good. But I thought I truly had the shot this year.
The only thing I think is worse than not getting in to something is getting your hopes up and then not getting into something. Like when I tried out for the school play, they told me I had a beautiful voice, and then gave me a part in the chorus. Well, here, I got a callback. A callback! And it went really well even better than my fist audition and it was a callback! that means they liked me they liked me and afterwards the chorus teacher who was listening but not judging it was just happening in her room told me I was really good and I would get in for sure yayyay and now all that's left to do is wait and wait and finally the results are there and.... It all comes crashing down. You know what they say-- the bigger they are, the harder they fall. The farther up on my my self pride I am, the more it will hurt when I finally fall off.
An expression I really hate is this:
"Always shoot for the moon! Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars!"
It's on all these happyhappyjoyjoy posters around my school. Well, I'm living proof that this is wrong. I must've shot for the moon, what, 6 times since I came to Junior School? 7 times? Whatever, a lot. And I'm definitely seeing stars, but not because I'm among them. More because the universe decided to punch the lights out of my self esteem.
Also painted on the wall in one of the hallways in my school is the question:
"Your reach should exceed your grasp, else what's a heaven for?"
which is actually really depressing and not very motivational but totally 100% more true than landing among the stars. It's just-- why do some people's reaches exceed their grasps, and other people's reaches get reached, and hugged, and loved, and rubbed in everyone else's face?
Whatever. Every time this happens I tell myself I'm not going to get my hopes up next time and then guess what? I do. I do. IdoIdoIdoIdoIdoIdo I ALWAYS FREAKIN' DO!!!! It's amazing I still trust anyone or anything after my life of high hopes and hard falls.
I am not a drama queen. I really, really, wanted this, and the only problem with a blog is that you can't hear the pain and struggle in my voice. I rarely tell anyone anything. I'd rather carry the world on my shoulders with no help than have a serious conversation. I hate having serious conversations.
Whatever.
Life is full of little disappointments.
Oh man, Grace. That stinks. I agree that there really isn't anything worse than getting your hopes up for something and then not getting it. Talk about let down. But look at it this way: who cares whether or not they manage to realize your loads of potential at school when your friends and family see it already? how many times have you landed solos at church for the Psalm or the anthem? And you have the trumpet part for the Taize service, and I think you are probably the only person who can out-read me in books. You are an amazing person, Grace.
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